i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
