Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize