hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
