I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
