I wish I could teleport
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize