I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
