oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
