those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I deserve this hangover.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
