I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
