Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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