I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
