so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
