I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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