If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
