I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
