I want to walk on stilts...naked
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Drunk is a universal language darling
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
