if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
