I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
