What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
