Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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