Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Randomize
