my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
