Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize