no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
