I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
