it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
farters have to be the big spoon...
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
