I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
