I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
