you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
