Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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