there's paper in my vomit.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
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