At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
