I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Randomize
