are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
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Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
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My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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