My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
How naked do you want me to be?
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