Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
