Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
