He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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