Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i think i have two assholes
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
