my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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