the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
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so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
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Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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