The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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