The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
