Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Randomize
