I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
