I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
