hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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