Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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