I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
