i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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