two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
