All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
