i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Randomize
