Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
from now on my penis is your penis
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize