i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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