I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
The ass gains better be worth it
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