I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
