My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
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