If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
