You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Randomize
